I’d Give Anything

My head is currently just a cluster of thoughts and visions. I’ve spent the last 24 hours in bed, nearly immobile, crying non-stop, and having the nightmarish visions (the ones I have feared since June 15th) hit me hard while I tried to sleep.

I’ve never felt more alone in my entire life, even with so many caring people surrounding me.

But I’ve continued, today, to write my thoughts… trying to get them out of my mind, so I can actually read my own words; so I can remind myself and share the magnitude of the love I feel for my children, even if it means being submerged in the pain of losing one.

Throughout this dark journey, I’ve had unrealistic thoughts like, “I’d give up years of my own life to get Norah back” or “I wish there was a way to buy Norah back.”

I yearn to watch her grow and smile. I yearn to feel happiness again within my soul, as I watch all three of our girls thrive in their individual stages.

I want to be able to hold and hug and hear ALL of my kids, not just 2/3 of them!

I see babies who were born after Norah, who are beginning to surpass her eternal age of 3 months and 22 days. I see them reaching milestones that we don’t get to experience with her. That concept continues to confuse me.

I hate that I couldn’t protect her from this monster who shows no signs, gives no warning, and leaves no answers.

I couldn’t help her.

I couldn’t save her.

“Mom guilt” has an entirely new meaning for me now. It’s crushing. Paralyzing. And no one can help me or make it better.

I wish I could undo this nightmare. I wish my family could go back to being untouched by this type of horrific death and never ending grief. I wish I could have my family of five piled under one roof again… happy and crazy, rolling through life.

I miss that life.

I’d give anything just to have those simple times again.

Anything.

3 thoughts on “I’d Give Anything

  1. ♥️♥️♥️ I wish I could help or do something to comfort you. Words couldn’t possibly ease the pain, but I continue to lift you up in prayer.

    Like

  2. I’d give anything to give you peace. To covey to you …that better days are ahead. All of Addy and Sydney’s new experiences that are to come. You will be busy and you will learn to deal with your feelings of disparity in a different way. I feel sad a lot myself but I always remember someone else is even sadder. I love you Age and we will get thru this together. Xoxo

    Like

Leave a Reply to Kim mcdermott Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s