The Grit

I’ve hit rock bottom. My brain is like a cobweb. I’m dizzy. I see floaters. I catch myself staring at nothing for uncertain amounts of time. I can’t watch TV. Sometimes I can’t even form a sentence or comprehend the inherent thought that goes behind a simple task, like packing a bag or paying a bill. It’s like I’m in a catatonic state at times. I feel stuck in quicksand, with no energy or will to escape.

I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally drained.

I’ve learned that studies show brain changes during this type of grief, after losing a child. If a CT scan of my brain were done, it would appear that I’ve had a concussion. This explains many of my symptoms, all due to what’s described as traumatic grief.

I was also recently diagnosed with PTSD and I experienced my first panic attack. I’m triggered by sights and sounds and occurrences that send my mind racing, until it comes to a jolting stop, then I weep uncontrollably until nothing is left.

I’m unable to work.

I’ll soon be beginning intensive therapy most days of the week for multiple hours each day.

I’ve lost myself. The strong, independent, (mostly) confident self that took years to become.

My amazing doula told me that THIS is known as “The Grit” and I’m now deep inside of it. But it’s necessary for my future. It’s “normal” for this terribly abnormal thing I’m experiencing. And I’ll get through it. I have to get through it. My future self, my future as a wife, my future as a Mom… Addy, Sydney, and Norah’s Mom, requires me to get through it.

A very close and dear friend, Norah’s Godmother, put my current suffering into perfect words. She said, “The pain is so thick you can’t even move it to one side or the other to see an opening. I only have my faith to lean on and God has never failed me.”

God has never failed me, either. Because of my faith, I know that out of this grit will come light. It may take many years to get there, but I’ll get there. I have to. I have no other choice.

To those around me who are watching this happen, please continue to be patient with me, as you have. I’m a different person now…. a devastated Mom, with a form of brain damage, along with a broken heart and a shattered soul.

The grit sucks.